To my 18 Day Old first cousin,
I am here to advice you because the world is a big, bad and harmful place full of Maoists and people who support Manchester United.
I would appreciate it if you do not listen too much to adults. They are insane creatures (and almost universally acknowledged to be very frustrated) who want to go Paris. They will tell you to stick to principles that they themselves have failed to adhere to since they were in white towels with pink borders. Like, ‘Don’t be dishonest’, ‘Don’t tease a lesser mortal’, and the like. Lie if you can get away with it. And tease Liverpudlians to death.
You will encounter all sorts of people in life. Some of whom will want to convince you that there are painters who are greater than Van Gogh and Gustave Klimt. You will tell them to kindly fuck off.
Recognising the fact that you will have no grandfathers, I will cough violently once in the middle of May every year and then tell you to quickly put on a sweater as the non-existent Nor’wester is hazardous for health. I will also get you out of sticky situations of all kinds in return for promises of pickled mango.
Always cover borrowed books with newspapers before reading them and creasing their covers.
You must never pester your parents for things you will be ashamed of in later life. Like Bugs Bunny clip boards and foot long Santa Claus pencils. I also think you should read Macbeth and Poetics as soon as you start making sense of words as the vast number of references to these works in later life will kill you. Unless you are planning to plunge into Physics. Or kill yourself.
Please don’t smoke or sit for long hours in front of the computer, playing Age of Empires. Be a human. Blog.
Don’t develop the irritating habit of not untying your shoelaces before plunging your foot into a shoe.
When you watch a movie, dont be a critic. Remember that the director and the producer and everyone who was involved in making it, made it to entertain you. And to satisfy the underworld.
Don’t fall in love before you turn 18. And make the girl support the team of your choice.
Of course, a time will come when you will forget all your passwords and smile for totally inexplicable reasons. Then. You will not need my advices anymore.